Dying From Love
by Lonewritersclub
Summary: Bella was lost during labor, the life after it, was difficult. Especially for Edward. The guilt... The loss... The sadness... He started loosing himself But soon he realized it could be for the better.
1. Chapter 1

They say that nothing matter in the end. No, everything matters. If not, then why did you live?

[1]

_Edward_

I took her to bed, read her a bedtime story and kissed her forehead. "Good night, my little angel." Renesmee squeezed my hand before I got up from the bed. I squeezed her little hand back and smiled to her lovingly.

I left her dreaming in her room and went to the living room. I sat by the fire on a leather armchair. I stared at the fire. Soon I would start mourning again. And no one will see me. I hope Renesmee doesn't hear it. But she couldn't. She wasn't thinking about it at least. Only nice little colors in her dreams. They calmed me a bit. But not enough.

Strangled sobs came through my tightly closed lips. Does she hear me? Does she love me still? God, I love her. This is so unfair... I want her back. I need her back. I'm falling into pieces and no one sees it. I'm thorn apart from life. A part of me belongs to Bella and when she left, she took it with her. Now that part of me is dead. But at least some of me was with her. But still it wasn't enough. My mind was down here. And my mind misses my heart.

I love Renesmee, but she loves Jacob. Jacob will be enough for her. He will take care of her I know that for sure. She just needs to have her father with her a little longer. I need to try to be with her as long as I could. Hold on. Be persistent.

I love my family too, but they have each other. And besides they don't need a depressed member in there family any longer. Jasper must have hated me for a long time for making him feel so sad as well. I could hear that my feelings were so strong that he couldn't make out his own feelings from them.

So I stayed in the cottage with Renesmee more often than at the Cullen house. But even with Renesmee the house wasn't my home. Because home is where your heart is. I got very confused about where I should be. But I think myself was aware of it and made it easier for me to understand. I was fading away. My armor was on me pretending to be me, when at the same time I was loosing myself in the inside. Loosing myself away.

But it only meant that soon I would find my home again.


	2. Chapter 2

The guilt waved through me, over and over again. It was so strong that it almost made me collapse on my knees. But I had to stay strong too. I wasn't ready to go yet. Oh, my Bella. Don't worry, I will be with you soon. My frail body wouldn't survive for long, that I was sure.

"Dad", Renesmee suddenly called me. I turned around from the heat of the oven. "Yes dear?"

"Is everything alright? You seem tense", she questioned me and sat on the bar stool. "Yes, everything's fine honey", I told her in the most reassuring voice I had. And of course she believed me and smiled. My little angel didn't need to worry about me or anything.

"Alice said that she will take me shopping today. Is that okay?" she asked and started eating her breakfast. "Are you going to Port Angels?" I asked and looked into the oven. The biscuits were almost ready. "We might go to Seattle actually. Alice said she preferred it", she answered. "Hmm... That isn't surprising. Well, I guess you can go. But get here before dinner and make sure she takes you to lunch too", I told her and leaned towards her over the counter. "Do you want biscuits with you? I can pack them im your bag if you want", I offered. Just in case she doesn't like the food in wherever they would have lunch. Or Renesmee would.

"Okay", she said. I gave her a peck on her forehead and took the sheet out of the oven. "They just need to cool for a moment", I said. I looked out of the little window in the kitchen. Alice was walking towards the front door. I quickly went to open it for her.

"Morning Edward", she greeted me smiling brightly as always. "Morning Alice", I greeted her back and closed the door after her. "Hello darling! Oh, you have grown again. Just in a night. You will be a tall girl. You get that from your father. Bella never was that tall and..." Alice started her usual babbling, but when she get to the sore topic I silenced her with a glare.

"Yeah, well are you going to let us go?" Alice asked me and apologized with a look in her eyes and stated it in her mind. "Yes, you can go. But stay safe", I ordered. I put the biscuits to a plastic container which I put into Renesmees little yellow bag.

"We will, I promise", Alice said and took a hold of Renesmee little hand. I handed Renesmee her bag. "Thanks."  
"I love you", I whispered in her ear making it tingle from the cool air of my breath. "I love you too, dad", Renesmee uttered to me. "Bye now, Eddie-meddie", Alice said with the annoying nickname she have given me. "Bye." And off they went.

Now I was alone with my troubled thoughts again. I sat onto the white sofa agonized. I huffed and pressed my hands to my face. What I was going to do? I knew enough of what would happen if I would stay alone for longer. I would completely breakdown. And that would benefit no one. And I would be in utter pain. Lost and only to be found when there was only left numbness in me.

I decided to go to the Cullen house which had been my home for almost a century. Emmett and Rosalie were cuddling on the sofa. Jasper tried to watch some kind of a movie at the same time, but was interrupted by the mood of desperation and depression in the middle love and satisfaction that radiated from Rosalie and Emmett.

"Edward." He seemed startled for some reason. Well, yes I haven't been in the house for some time now, but was it such of a shock that I came here now. Did they want me to be sad and alone in my own house? No, they just wanted me out of their happy lives. I was a tedious freak that interrupted them all from their lovely time.

Though their thoughts didn't reveal it, I still was certain about it. It only was a matter of time that they would have built enough courage to say it straight to my face that they wanted me out from their lives and didn't want to see me anymore. I had to make sure that I would leave before that, because I seriously didn't want to show them how weak I have become and then breakdown in front of them all.

"You okay man?" Jasper suddenly was in front of me that I almost fall over. "What?" I asked bewildered. "You just zoned off for a few minutes", he told he looking concerned. He wasn't worried about me, was he? I hope he wasn't. "I think you should go see Carlisle. He isn't at work today, because he got a day off", Jasper suggested to me. "No, no. I'm fine, eh", I said trying to smirk a bit to reassure him. I failed terribly.

"Is there something you want to talk about? I only sense sad moods from you. It's worrying me", he said and lead me to a more of a private area. "You got nothing to worry about, Jasper", I told him. "My gift says otherwise", he said back at me.

Carlisle appeared next to us. "Son, I'm worried too. You seem... off and so sad. I think you have become too reserved. You can talk to us, you know that? And I would really appreciate if you would speak to us now. If you're really fine, then that shouldn't be a problem", Carlisle said and placed his hand on my back. It felt uncomfortable. "I know that, but there's nothing to be talked about. Really. Or is this an intervention of some sort?" I wondered and furrowed my eyebrows.

"No, no! I just want to hear you out, son", Carlisle explained and went subtle with his facial expression. "I don't understand..."

"Jasper told me that you're deeply depressed. And you're trying to hide it. I don't want you to feel that way, and I definitely don't want you to think that you have to hide it from us. We just want to help you", he said at last saying what he really wanted to. He didn't let me read it from his mind yet so I couldn't understand him before it. But now he let me hear all the things he said mentally. It seemed that he thought my mind was wry. That couldn't be a good sign. He thought I was going mentally disturbed.

"I need to leave", I said emptily. Jasper and Carlisle could only see hollowness in my eyes. I felt like dying, but maybe that was what was happening. But I was already dead, so how was that even possible? Well I guess it still was as it slowly turned my mind off irreversible.


End file.
